The Rise of Couch Technology

Greetings! This is Beverly Whiteteeth, reporting live from TNN’s global headquarters in Elko, Nevada. We have two significant breaking news stories that may impact the lives of countless Americans.

Human evolution has been a slow journey over tens of thousands of years. However, recent technological advancements have accelerated this process. It’s widely recognized that human awareness dramatically increased with the arrival of television.

In earlier times, people found themselves with little to engage in, but the introduction of TVs allowed families to gather on the couch and devote their leisure hours to watching programs together.

As technology progressed, the invention of the remote control followed, enabling individuals to change channels without ever having to rise from their seats. Life on Earth improved immensely.

Yet, there were still instances when people had to leave the comfort of their couches, such as trips to the grocery store. The emergence of the internet and smartphones changed that, allowing individuals to shop for groceries directly from their couches while enjoying their favorite shows.

Despite these advancements, a few hurdles remained that hindered humans from reaching their full evolutionary potential. For example, the sugary carbonated beverages that people consumed led to a growing problem of restroom visits. Not only did this force people to abandon their couches, but it also caused them to miss crucial commercial breaks.

In a groundbreaking announcement today, executives at Maximum Profits Corporation revealed a revolutionary new product: the ‘Model 5001 Smart Couch.’ This innovation is set to transform life for everyone.

One of the couch’s standout features is a rubber catheter embedded in each cushion, which connects to a drain that leads to the sewer system. Now, families can enjoy hours of uninterrupted TV viewing without needing to rise from their couches.

Additionally, the couch includes a small refrigerator on one side, stocked with sugary soft drinks, and a microwave on the other for preparing meals and snacks—all without leaving the couch and risking missed commercials.

At this point, discerning viewers may wonder, “What about when nature calls?” Maximum Profits Corporation assures us that they are actively developing solutions for this issue, promising to address it in their upcoming ‘Model 5002 Smart Couch,’ expected to hit the market by late 2024—just in time for the holiday season.

In related news, Senator Benjamin R. Curmudgeon introduced legislation aimed at banning couches altogether. He argues this is crucial in combating the escalating obesity crisis.

Seriously, Senator? Are we going to outlaw love seats next? Will recliners become relics of the past? Will we all be forced to sit on the floor like cavemen?

Fortunately, our political analysts at TNN believe this bill stands little chance of passing. Not only is it likely unconstitutional, but the financial burden would be astronomical. Establishing a couch task force and police unit would cost hundreds of billions, not to mention the environmental issues stemming from disposing of millions of couches.

Even if the bill gained momentum, experts predict widespread protests as people refuse to abandon their beloved couches.

The irony, of course, is that if mass protests did occur, many would have to rise from their couches and venture outside, inadvertently obtaining some fresh air and exercise.

Stay tuned for sports and weather after these important commercials.

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This piece originally appeared in Heart Connection magazine.