Understanding the Mental Load

Recently, I've found myself in a relationship with a man who doesn’t expect me to take on the role of a caretaker. This has been a refreshing change and makes me feel fortunate to have an equal partner who shares the emotional, mental, domestic, and financial responsibilities. Yet, it raises the question: why are there so few men like him?

In my past relationships, I often found myself shouldering the bulk of the "invisible labor." Like many women, I was expected to fulfill roles akin to a secretary, maid, private chef, and caregiver. With a career, a mortgage, and a burgeoning sense of self-worth, I finally decided I would no longer accept a partner who couldn’t contribute to the mental load.

The concept of mental load, or invisible labor, refers to the behind-the-scenes work required to keep a household, relationship, or workplace functioning smoothly. For instance, when dinner is prepared, it might seem that both partners are contributing equally if one cooks and the other does the dishes. However, the reality is far more complex.

Before cooking even starts, there are several tasks that have to be managed: grocery shopping, meal planning, budgeting, and considering dietary preferences. All of these require significant emotional and mental effort.

The mental load doesn't stop at mealtimes; it involves anticipating everything a family might need for an outing, organizing travel plans, managing social calendars, and balancing parental roles. It includes answering questions that could easily be researched by others and ensuring that everything is in order for smooth day-to-day living.

Studies indicate that women predominantly carry this mental load. This trend persists in both domestic and professional settings, even when men and women earn comparable salaries. At home, women continue to manage the majority of household chores, while in the workplace, they are assigned 29% more “office housework,” such as organizing events and taking notes, despite holding the same job titles as their male counterparts.

This added invisible labor contributes to increased stress levels among women and hinders their professional advancement. When so much energy is devoted to these non-tangible tasks, it can appear as if men are contributing more, leading to questions like, “Why are you so stressed?” as if they’re unaware of the burdens women often bear.

My current partner's upbringing plays a role in his understanding of these dynamics. Raised by a single mother who worked multiple jobs, he learned early on to contribute at home. This raises the question of why many other men find it difficult to share the mental load — is it due to biological factors or social conditioning? Research suggests it’s primarily a product of nurture rather than nature.

Women’s brains possess a larger hippocampus compared to men’s, which aids in processing emotional and sensory information. Women also utilize more white matter, which is crucial for planning and multitasking. In contrast, men’s brains often rely more on grey matter, which can lead to a more focused, but narrower approach to tasks.

However, the actual differences in brain structure only account for a small percentage of the variations in mental load responsibilities. The vast majority — about 99% — can be attributed to learned behaviors. Many men do not engage in mental load management simply because they have never been expected to do so.

As boys grow up, they are often taught to depend on the women in their lives for domestic tasks. This reliance continues into adulthood, where they may delegate invisible labor to secretaries or their partners. Meanwhile, young girls learn to prioritize others' needs and become adept at problem-solving for their families.

Changing the Narrative

To achieve a more equitable distribution of the mental load, all individuals, regardless of gender, must actively participate in this shift.

Men: You have the ability to develop new neural pathways through neuroplasticity. By being proactive at home and work, you can learn to share the mental load effectively.

Women: It’s essential to set boundaries not only for your own wellbeing but for the growth of those around you. By taking on every burden, you may inadvertently prevent your loved ones from developing resilience and independence.

Parents and Guardians: It’s time to break the cycle. Teach your sons to be self-sufficient and your daughters that their worth does not rely solely on their capacity to care for others. Model genuine partnership and collaboration to help cultivate a generation where sharing the mental load is the norm, rather than the exception.

I’m in the process of publishing my memoir. Check it out at www.mariacassano.com/numb.