Chapter 1: Embracing Individuality

“Let us choose for ourselves our path in life, and let us try to strew that path with flowers.”

• Emilie du Chatelet, Physicist

I have a fondness for dresses, bows, face masks, and makeup. Yet, as I prepare for a day in the lab, I tend to set these aside. Now in my first semester at MIT, I find myself wearing a skirt almost daily, styling my long hair in chic buns, French braids, or letting it flow freely, just as I always have. Gradually, as I acclimate to my group, my work, and my environment, it dawns on me that I am the only one. The only one in a skirt. The only one with long hair. The only one not conforming to the typical attire of worn jeans, unwashed faces, t-shirts, and fraying sneakers.

It’s easy to spiral into a long list of “only one” assertions from here.

A month into my PhD journey, I decide to stop painting my nails. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m wearing a sign that screams, “THIS IS A WOMAN. SHE IS DIFFERENT THAN YOU.” Dressing in a feminine manner only amplifies this message. The fact that I am the sole woman admitted to my graduate program in the past two years (a point of pride or a misstep?) only adds to this feeling.

In November, I decide to cut my hair short. “I’ve always wanted to,” I tell myself, but perhaps there’s a deeper reason behind it.

I notice that my leisure activities are becoming more masculine. When I’m not immersed in lab work, Quantum Mechanics, or Statistical Mechanics, I find myself at the climbing wall, measuring my forearm strength, bruising my knees, and tearing my skin.

While I relish in acquiring knowledge and physical strength, I can’t help but reflect on the noticeable absence of my previous hobbies. It’s been months since I last went fusion dancing, and I don’t have enough female friends to host a proper Ladies’ Night.

As spring wraps up in Boston, I find myself reaching for one of the same two pairs of jeans every day.

My transformation is so predictable that I can’t help but laugh. I realize I’m conforming to society’s notion that feminine traits are lesser than masculine ones. These outdated beliefs are deeply ingrained in our psyche. By distancing myself from my gender identity, I inadvertently reinforce the stereotype that only those who embody masculinity can be respected physicists.

I recognize why I struggle to present myself in a feminine light. My mind perceives that masculinity will afford me better treatment from others. As a novice graduate student, I haven’t had the chance to “prove” my worth yet. For now, until I complete my coursework and qualifying exams, those around me are reliant on initial impressions. My mind meticulously curates my presentation to sidestep gender-based expectations and stereotypes.

This realization doesn’t trouble me until I think about the women who will follow in my footsteps. I specifically consider the woman who will join my lab in the fall. While I know nothing about her, I feel a pang of anxiety at the thought that she may not feel at ease being herself. By denying my true self, I’m certainly not paving an easier path for her.

Tonight, I’ve decided to paint my nails.

My natural state.

This piece was initially featured on the MIT Graduate Admissions Blog.