Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Dynamics

What do you achieve by complicating simple discussions about relationship aspirations?

More often than I would like to admit, I have found myself sympathizing with men who either misled me or failed to meet my essential needs. It's disheartening to recognize how much disrespect I tolerated from them. Some men implied that their challenging lives prevented them from engaging equally in our relationships. I often found myself in love with those who viewed me as someone merely waiting for a crumb of attention, rather than appreciating our bond as a privilege.

Many men seem to believe their struggles eclipse those of others. Society paints women as the more emotional gender, yet this stereotype doesn't hold true. Men commit the majority of violent acts, and many struggle to navigate even minor conflicts without resorting to withdrawal or outbursts. In couples therapy, men may sit in silence for years, overwhelmed by their emotions, often forgetting entire conversations. When they face questions about their feelings, it can lead to significant relationship strain.

Dear men, your emotional perceptions of a situation do not define its reality.

I operate in a high-stakes work environment where my income fluctuates significantly, and I engage in various personal practices to manage the anxiety that comes with it. I also carry past trauma. It would be easy for me to excuse my shortcomings by blaming my circumstances, but I choose not to. My emotions in a given moment can be misleading, and I work to process them constructively. I could opt for a less stressful job if I wanted to alleviate some pressure, but I embrace my choices and confront my history.

I seek assistance when needed but don't weaponize my challenges. When I commit to an intimate relationship, I inherently agree to show up authentically most of the time—no excuses.

It’s perplexing how I could invest so much effort into my life while allowing a man to treat me with disregard. It's equally confusing how I permitted someone with fewer responsibilities to diminish my value. Yet, my conditioning makes it all too easy for men to take advantage.

Frequently, men have disrespected me, citing stress at work, health issues, or parenting demands as excuses. I often forgave them, despite carrying similar burdens in my own life.

"I considered getting you a Mother’s Day gift, but work has been hectic. Did I mention the drama with that one coworker? It's consumed my thoughts. Plus, my back pain has been unbearable."

"I realize I fell short of your expectations. I understand how significant this was for you. But I'm bad at this; my upbringing didn't prepare me. My ex and I clashed over similar issues, so I have a lot of trauma surrounding this. Can we discuss how I feel, and maybe you can help me learn?"

"I can't make it to the beach with you; my child's mother scheduled a vacation months ago, and I forgot to note it. I can't believe she didn’t remind me sooner. Being a single dad is overwhelming, and work has been tough."

"I know you want to progress in our relationship, but I feel pressured. I understand that others discuss shared goals openly, but it’s a struggle for me. I need to take things at my own pace, which is slow and unclear. Plus, with work, I think I need more time for myself."

Can you recognize the manipulation here?

Exaggerating issues to evade accountability is a common tactic. In these scenarios, the man deflects a clear concern by evoking sympathy from his partner. This often works, as love fosters empathy. While it’s natural to make concessions for someone you care about, there’s a fine line.

Interestingly, when a responsible man in my life has an occasional slip-up due to work, he doesn’t deflect blame. Instead, he acknowledges it and makes amends. When a man isn’t using his emotions manipulatively, they rarely become a reason for not following through.

"I messed up on Mother’s Day. I won’t let it happen again. I know it matters to you. I picked up your favorite dessert and called that new wine bar—they’re open until midnight. Want to dress up and grab a drink?"

"I know this is challenging, but we need to cut our beach trip short due to a scheduling mix-up on my part. My parents can watch the kids for the first night, so we can still go! I’ll ensure this doesn’t happen again, but if you’d prefer, we can reschedule."

Only those with ulterior motives blame their "people-pleasing" nature or past traumas for their deceit during the early stages of dating. Misrepresenting oneself to keep a woman interested isn’t about being accommodating; it’s about seizing control and power.

Why do they do this? To gain influence.

When you elicit pity from others, you can operate without compromise. Convincing your partner that your work is consuming and exhausting allows you to relax while they manage responsibilities at home. If you can also claim that your mental health issues hinder your organizational skills, you can shift the burden of planning your life onto them.

You might enjoy leisure activities while your partner believes you need “me time” to cope with stress. This manipulation can succeed, even if you haven’t spent quality time together lately.

Invoking pity is a powerful tactic. It allows you to avoid necessary compromises and maintain control over your circumstances, all while using shame as a shield. You can evade real change by making your partner feel guilty about your situation. Problem solved.

What’s the way forward?

I believe men can benefit from somatic practices to help them process emotions. It’s common for men to perceive minor issues as catastrophic due to limited emotional bandwidth.

However, I also remind myself that many people, without therapy or resources, navigate challenging relationships. I know mothers battling severe illnesses who still prioritize their families and make plans. They don’t weaponize their struggles but instead find ways to support those they care about.

These individuals recognize that prioritizing others and showing up for them is a form of self-care.

You can do this too. It’s not as challenging as it seems. If you're using personal issues as an excuse to avoid being present for your partner, it’s likely you’re seeking power over them.

P.S. Once a woman feels pity for you, her attraction may diminish.

Chapter 2: Challenging Manipulative Behaviors

In the first video, "What happens when ONE person holds the POWER in the Relationship?" we explore the dynamics of power and emotional manipulation in relationships.

The second video, "Experience BETTER Relationships With Men By Avoiding THESE 5 Things," offers practical advice on nurturing healthier connections by steering clear of common pitfalls.