Taking Care of Your Puppy-Dog Mind: Embrace the Journey
Written on
Chapter 1: Understanding the Puppy-Dog Mind
The concept of the 'Puppy-Dog Mind' is something that resonates deeply with my clients, especially those who adore dogs. When I first present this analogy, it feels almost magical. I can sense a collective sigh of relief among them. Their tense shoulders relax, and they smile in astonishment at the realization that their struggles might be likened to managing an unruly puppy in need of training.
Before this revelation, they often feel as if they are grappling with an alligator—struggling and getting battered in the process. When they seek my guidance, they often face various challenges, predominantly tied to loss. Many grapple with the heart-wrenching absence of a loved one, while others feel an ongoing sadness that has dulled their joy. Some find themselves adrift, lacking direction, energy, and purpose.
In essence, they’re wrestling with an alligator—exhausted and ready to surrender. This metaphorical alligator represents the harsh realities of a mind that is perpetually in turmoil.
What does this alligator represent? It embodies the cold and calculating thoughts that sneak up on us, overwhelming our ability to think clearly. We've all faced moments when our minds race uncontrollably, spiraling into negativity and sadness.
Ethan Kross describes this phenomenon well: "Chatter consists of the cyclical negative thoughts and emotions that turn our singular capacity for introspection into a curse, rather than a blessing." This chaotic mental state feels like a monster lurking within us, especially when we are dealing with grief.
When we succumb to self-sabotaging thoughts, we begin to resent ourselves—the very essence of who we are. Kilroy J. Oldster poignantly states, "Unless timely arrested, murderous bouts of self-hatred can destroy a person."
Where does this alligator come from? It emerges from an untrained and traumatized mind, reverting to its Default Mode Network (DMN). Markham Heid elaborates on this 'Me' network in his blog about daydreaming, citing Judson Brewer’s insights: "When we get caught up in craving or in worrying about all the worst-case scenarios, that seems to be when the default mode network is activated."
Scientists are delving into the complexities of the DMN to understand how allowing our minds to wander can impact us. It’s a natural aspect of mental functioning; daydreaming and habitual worrying are default states for many of us.
Life experiences shape our default settings. For those who have faced trauma, the outlook can be much bleaker than for others. The wisdom of Eger and Frankl reminds us: "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." It’s our internal dialogue about our circumstances that often leads to distress.
The world around us is enticing, but it is not the root of our pain. Events themselves do not create our inner turmoil; our thoughts about these events do. For instance, it’s not merely the absence of my husband that causes my tears; it’s the thoughts surrounding his absence that trigger my emotions.
While I acknowledge the sorrow, I also recognize the beauty that still exists in life. I often find joy despite the loss, and this realization underscores the power of our thoughts.
Ethan Kross emphasizes this by noting that "internal self-talk—especially anxious, ruminative thoughts—tends to be neither organized nor coherent. It’s more emotional and repetitive, like a pinball machine of negativity."
So, what does wrestling with this metaphorical alligator achieve? There's no shortage of advice on how to tackle our mental challenges, from pushing through emotions to establishing beneficial habits. However, when my DMN negativity escalated to alligator levels, I often felt overwhelmed and defeated.
Simple recommendations like going for a walk or exercising felt impossible. I realized that the key to soothing my mind lies in love. The self is what truly needs compassion, and one significant step towards self-love is reframing our internal narrative.
When our mind feels monstrous, it’s crucial to shift our perspective. Training the Puppy-Dog Mind—rather than wrestling with an alligator—can significantly alter our experience. We must accept that:
- Training takes time, and that’s perfectly okay.
- Mistakes will happen, and that’s acceptable as well.
- It requires attention and commitment over the long haul.
- It is inherently lovable and desires to please.
- With patience, it will grow into a well-trained companion, leading to a lifetime of joy.
"You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." — Marcus Aurelius
As I focus on training my mind, I’ve shifted my thoughts surrounding loss from, "I need him here," to, "I have everything I need." These shifts reflect a journey towards acknowledging my emotions while still finding strength and joy.
Incorporating emotional awareness is often overlooked in self-help advice. The work of Abraham is invaluable in this regard. We must honor our emotions instead of suppressing or avoiding them.
The tools that aid me and my clients are discussed in my previous and upcoming blogs. Ultimately, we need to cultivate a sense of well-being before we can take constructive actions.
Kross offers practical strategies in his "Chatter Toolbox," which includes:
- Distanced self-talk: Address yourself as "you" to gain perspective.
- Zooming out: Consider the bigger picture and future implications.
- Rising to the challenge: Tackle issues when you're ready, breaking them down if necessary.
- Expressive writing: Write freely to process emotions.
- Engaging in rituals: Establish mindful, repetitive tasks.
- Creating a "chatter board": Identify supportive individuals to reach out to.
- Reducing exacerbation: Limit time spent on social media.
- Getting outdoors: Nature has profound benefits for our well-being.
- Seeking awe: Embrace moments that inspire wonder.
Jari Roomer echoes Kross’ sentiments in this week's 'Elevation' email, emphasizing the need to train our brains away from overstimulation. He recommends:
- Daily meditation (10 minutes is sufficient).
- At least 90 minutes of focused work/study without distractions.
- Avoiding smartphones, social media, and Netflix for the first hour of the day.
- Engaging in offline activities like nature walks, journaling, or sports.
"The happiest people aren't rich; they're mindful." — Chase Arbeiter
If you're struggling to accomplish even the simplest tasks, your Puppy-Dog Mind may be in overwhelm.
The Power of the Mantra
If you find yourself in this situation, consider using a mantra—not limited to a specific meditation period but as a constant companion throughout your day. Repeating a calming phrase can serve as a grounding tool during moments of mental chaos.
Markham Heid notes, "Using your voice—whether you're murmuring a calming mantra or talking yourself through a problem—can silence unhelpful internal dialogues and also influence how you feel and perform."
The impact of a mantra is supported by scientific research. Choose a simple word or sound with positive connotations. Personally, I often use the word "love."
I repeat it continuously: love… love… love… love… love…
This practice brings me relief and helps manage the chaos in my mind. The essence of the mantra is to accept that your mind may wander—it’s only natural. When it does, simply return to your training, smiling as you remind your Puppy-Dog Mind:
"Here’s a mantra. Chew on this for a bit, sweetheart."
Using a mantra throughout the day nurtures your mind, and soon enough, you’ll notice a shift. Your default setting will improve, and your Puppy-Dog Mind will settle more quickly, resulting in increased joy.
Here’s to cherishing your Puppy-Dog Mind—no more wrestling with alligators!
The first video titled "Teach Your Puppy To Calm Down With This 7 Minute Exercise" offers practical exercises to help train your puppy-dog mind, guiding you on how to cultivate calmness and focus.
The second video titled "How to Take Care of a Puppy: Bringing a Puppy Home" provides valuable insights on nurturing and caring for your new puppy, mirroring the approach of caring for your own mental well-being.