Chapter 1: Understanding My Emotional State

Lately, I've found myself feeling unusually emotional. It seems like every little thing is getting under my skin more than it should. Fatigue, irritability, and physical discomfort have become my unwelcome companions. Something feels off.

As if on cue, I've started waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. I apologize to the men reading this; I know it's not pretty, and you're fortunate to be spared from these experiences. Is this what it means to age as a woman—becoming a sweaty, emotional wreck? If so, I want to fast-track through this phase because there's no escape, only a journey through it.

In the past, alcohol would trigger these night sweats, and I would have only myself to blame as my body fought to expel the toxins. Yet, it’s frustrating to think that after two years of striving for good health and trying to undo past damage, I’m still facing these challenges.

You know, the usual advice from self-help articles—eat a balanced diet rich in vegetables, fruits, and proteins, get regular exercise, soak in some sunlight, and aim for a solid eight hours of sleep. I follow all that, but aging is a reality we all must confront, and many women share similar experiences.

Alongside these physical changes, my mental state has also taken a hit. Doubts about my worthiness as a writer, friend, wife, and mother have been creeping in. It's disheartening; even minor setbacks seem to trigger a wave of sadness and self-pity.

I feel like the euphoric haze of sobriety is beginning to fade. Don’t worry; I'm not contemplating drinking again, but I am struggling to shake off these feelings that seem to intensify. I need a healthy way to cope—I don't want to linger in a funk, having spent too many years in one already. Yet, I understand that experiencing uncomfortable emotions is part of our human journey.

After a week of the same routine—waking, writing, reading, attending yoga, and then returning home to sit in my sweats while engaging in more reading and writing—I'm left feeling utterly drained. Why does an hour of exercise followed by a day of sedentary work leave me so tired? While I may be productive, I realize I need to engage my mind differently to combat this funk.

This narrative of not being "good enough" has to stop. Have I not learned anything? This mindset is not what leads to a fulfilling sober life; it risks turning me into a "dry drunk," which is far from my goal. What does "good enough" even mean? Why does it matter? Am I feeling proud of my accomplishments? The answer is a resounding yes.

Today, I decided to switch things up. I went to yoga, then took a walk. I took care of some bills and even fixed my car—tasks I'd been putting off for far too long. Lunch with my husband was the cherry on top. We talked about how proud we are of our daughters, who are truly remarkable individuals. Despite my past mistakes in parenting, I can't help but admire the incredible people they've become.

I am enough. I am enough to be their mother, and they are proud of me. That realization brings a sense of comfort. I'll endure the night sweats because it’s a small price to pay for this journey of womanhood.

Discussing our pride in our daughters shifted my perspective today. I needed to step outside my routine, and that was my remedy—a healthy coping strategy. Interestingly, today, those nagging symptoms seem to have vanished. I left them behind with yesterday.

I sincerely hope for a restful night without interruptions, and I can't help but feel a bit frustrated with biology. While I may not be able to control the hormonal shifts that accompany aging, I can certainly manage my mindset. Engaging in activities that uplift my spirits contributes positively to my mental health.

I embraced sobriety to truly enjoy life. Perhaps I am entering perimenopause, a process that might last for years. I recently learned it could span seven years. Seven years of this? Nevertheless, I'm ready to navigate this journey. It will all be alright.

Here I am, breathing. I contributed to bringing those wonderful girls into this world, with a little help, of course. I may never feel "smokin’ hot" again, but I am alive and thriving. That is more than sufficient.

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Thank you for reading!

Much love, Michele

Chapter 2: Embracing Change

This lyric video by Chief Keef reflects the struggles of feeling overwhelmed and the desire to escape from one's reality.

Chayce Beckham's official music video captures the essence of seeking clarity and understanding during life's tumultuous moments.