Chapter 1: The Struggle of People-Pleasing

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with the tendency to please others. Many would label me a "People Pleaser." My life revolved around:

• Assisting others
• Spending time with friends and family
• Taking on responsibilities that weren’t mine to bear

While I often believed these choices were my own, deep down, I recognized that approximately 70% of my decisions were driven by an overwhelming need to say yes.

In moments when I found it difficult to decline requests, I ended up feeling:

• Overwhelmed
• Drained
• As if my life was being lived for someone else

The toll on my mental health became evident, and my emotional state began to unravel. I told myself:

• "I’m a good friend; I must do this."
• "I’m a good son; I have to comply."
• "I’m a diligent worker; I cannot refuse."

Living solely for others’ expectations is no way to exist. While it might seem virtuous, genuine happiness stems from making choices that align with your desires. I yearned for a life that included more of what I wanted.

This desire led me to discover Nedra Glover Tawwab’s enlightening book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. This resource not only taught me how to say no but also encouraged me to prioritize what truly mattered to me.

The Structure of the Book

The book serves as a comprehensive guide to learning the art of saying no and establishing boundaries. It’s thorough and covers a wide range of scenarios individuals may encounter.

These scenarios are illustrated through real-life narratives shared by Tawwab in her capacity as a therapist. Personal details are modified to protect confidentiality, yet the insights and recommendations are articulated with clarity. Each chapter concludes with practical steps or reflective prompts, enabling readers to apply their newfound knowledge. All of this is presented with empathy and professionalism.

Transformative Insights from the Book

One of the most valuable aspects of this book is Tawwab’s frequent reminder that it’s acceptable to set boundaries and refuse requests. This notion resonated deeply with me, especially since I often felt guilty for declining invitations from family or my supervisor.

This led me to become overwhelmed with commitments. For instance, my boss would message me last minute, asking if I could cover a shift, and I'd agree, even when I didn't wish to. Similarly, my sister would request that I look after her dog for a weekend, and I'd acquiesce, despite having prior plans. This cycle of guilt and shame felt relentless.

I grappled with feelings of guilt for denying requests and embarrassment for acquiescing to them. Here are a few poignant quotes from the book that helped me break free from this cycle:

• "You can’t set boundaries and take care of everyone’s feelings at the same time."
• "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."
• "Healthy boundaries are the ultimate guide to self-care."

By prioritizing self-care, I found that I was actually better equipped to support those around me. Through persistence and the application of the lessons from this book, the burden of guilt began to lift.

As trivial as it may sound, I can now confidently say no to others. While I can't claim to have completely overcome my people-pleasing tendencies, I am making significant strides in the right direction.

This book came to my attention through a random TikTok suggestion. Instead of merely learning how to refuse, I discovered a pathway to enhancing my relationships through the establishment of boundaries.

If you find yourself struggling with the inability to say no, I highly recommend Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

Chapter 2: Finding Peace Through Music

This music video by Anne Wilson, Sunday Sermons, beautifully encapsulates themes of faith and resilience that resonate with the journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

Through both literature and music, the exploration of boundaries and self-acceptance continues to inspire growth and transformation.